Regal Royalty

Yip, I'm one of them. One of the nearly 2 billion people who watched the royal wedding (does than number include Internet watchers I wonder?). And I unashamedly loved it. LOVED Kate's little giggle after the balcony kiss. Loved that a commoner has married into the family. Loved that the world loves her. Loved that her parents have brought up two amazing level headed daughters.

I loved that 2 billion people all across the world were inspired by it - sure some folks were just watching it because everyone else was, but really - that number of people across the world are searching.

Desiring.

Hoping for something more in life.

That wedding, in all its forms, catches at our hearts, pulls at our dreams and calls us out.

It smacks of God.

And our cynical world laps it up.

Because he created us to love and be loved.

And funnily I'd just picked up "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge and "Do you think I'm beautiful?" by Angela Thomas, because I'm again, trying to figure out what it means to be a woman, and trying to understand...

And I'm reminded.

The question every boy grows up to ask as a man is "Have I got what it takes?" That's why men crave our respect, our belief.

And the question every little girl asks whilst growing up, and the one she continues to ask even as an adult is "Do you think I'm lovely?".

Not every woman wants a battle to fight, but every woman yearns to be fought for...She wants to be more than noticed - she wants to be wanted. She wants to be pursued.
Every woman also wants an adventure to share...A woman doesn't want to be the adventure; she wants to be caught up into something greater than herself....
Every woman wants to have a beauty to unveil. Not to conjure up, but to unveil. Most woman feel the pressure to be beautiful from very young, but that is not what I speak of. There is also a deep desire to simply and truly be the beauty, and be delighted in.

Food for thought huh?

An Eternal Perspective

Today, I happened to see my husband's boss - it was a quick, few seconds as we crossed paths in a place we usually never see each other. But God used those few moments to really challenge me... the journey Braveheart is on in the workplace, (and thus our family) has been rewarding, but is more often long, hard and frustrating. Together my husband, the creative genius and this man, the business titan, battle against financial difficulties,  personnel limitations, and entwined in all of that is their battle against Evil thwarting them (without wanting to get too super spiritual!).

But this man, let's call him Mr. P, keeps his head high. In the 10 years Braveheart has worked alongside him carrying this vision, Mr. P has maintained an 'eternal perspective' which has often made me curious. And today, God showed me the inner workings of that very idea. Our goal that we are working for - godly animated stories, live-action movies with substance and character - these very things might not be achieved in our lifetime. And neither may a lot of what we strive for.

The thing is - our lives truly are too short to carry our whole vision - and I'm not sure they are supposed to. God showed me today, that visions are supposed to span generations, they are supposed to be built on, generation after generation - that's the way his kingdom works. God blesses generation after generation that serve him, and he adds to our vision for each generation.

God drew it into perspective with my parenting and what I long for. I cannot hope to parent perfectly in my lifetime...BUT what I can do, by following God's leads, is to pass on something more for my kids to follow and live by...so that in generations to come, my family can arise and be called blessed.

food for thought huh?

Your To-Be List

I read this just tonight...and needed to. During these, oh-so-short holidays with all three children home with me, what is really important? May it speak to you too....

BE PRESENT: TEN YEARS FROM NOW, WHAT WILL HAVE MATTERED TO OUR CHILDREN?

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 26, 2011 AT 3:35PM

Ten years from now, it won't have mattered whether or not the sink was perfectly scrubbed.

Ten years from now it will have mattered that I stopped scrubbing the sink to listen to a problem they were having in school. 

Ten years from now, it won't have mattered that the plates were chipped or that the cups were not a matched set.

Ten years from now, it will have mattered that we sat down at the table together, said a blessing, and shared stories about what happened that day.

Ten years from now, it won't have mattered that their books were scattered everywhere.

Ten years from now, it will have mattered that they loved to read and did so in every corner of the house.

Ten years from now, it won't have mattered if they ran off to school with wrinkled shirts or grass stains on their pants.

Ten years from now, it will have mattered that they were always told, "I love you. Have a great day!" as they dashed out the door - wrinkles, grass stains, and all.

Ten years from now, it won't have mattered that their beds were made haphazardly; that there were lumps under the covers and pillows left on the floor.

Ten years from now, it will have mattered that I leaned over their rumpled beds, kissed them goodnight and assured them that even as they slept, they were loved.

Ten years from now . . .

Ten years from now it won't have mattered that the couch was threadbare.

Ten years from now, it will have mattered that we sat on that couch and laughed until we cried – and that on that very same couch, I held them when they cried genuine tears of sadness.

Ten years from now, it won't have mattered if there were muddy footprints tracked through the house.

Ten years from now, it will have mattered that they ran with abandon, filled their lungs with fresh air, and connected with the wonder of nature.

Ten years from now, it won’t have mattered if I won every argument.

Ten years from now, it will have mattered that I lived my values.

Ten years from now, it won't have mattered that they didn't get everything they wanted.

Ten years from now, it will have mattered that their deepest needs were met.

Ten years from now, it won't have mattered that I wasn't a perfect parent.

Ten years from now, it will have mattered – and mattered deeply – that I was a present parent.

So today and every day, may I live in the moment with my children, with my eyes to their future. 

And let me offer my children the gift of what will have mattered in ten years.

- by Lauren Rosenfeld, M.A., M.Ed., Author of Your To Be List

Meaning of Motherhood

(In spite of me still deciding, I just had to write....)

Picture three small wet and cold bodies. And one wet and cold mum. One wet and cold mom trying to dress said cold bodies. Four people rather chilly after swimming in a pool for 40 minutes. And one wet and cold mom that knows she cannot get warm herself as she must, after dressing said cold and wet bodies, get back into the pool for her exercise (as the feet, well, you know the story).

And you have a very disgruntled mum.

A mum who suddenly realized - Hang on a minute, I'm not enjoying this.

And then He spoke...these things to my heart.

He asked me if I'd be willing to lay down a little more of my life (note, my life...the life I think belongs to me. Whose life is it anyway?). And inwardly, I groaned. What Lord? More? Really?

And as I listened, I heard. I understood (scratch that, I'm understanding!).

Motherhood? It's about self sacrificing. It's about laying down one's life over and over again. Time and Time again we're called to let go... and I think it's just one of those seasons again as activities are on the increase and my afternoons are no longer 'mine' to call my own.

It's about dying to self.

It's about serving. Didn't like it much when He showed me I'm really not much of a server at heart. Na-ah. Not my cup of tea...but I sure like to be served. Sobering really.

And it's about choosing to see the beauty in the here and now, in the snapshot of what you see. Why do I want more time? For what? (See my earlier post). And, again He solidifies what I read a few days ago...

I fill the sink with the circle of bowl, and batter floats up in suds. I wash. I see my reflection in the stainless of the tap. I know you, those seeking eyes. You're the one in dire need of time, that thing we can't buy, what we sell of ourselves to get more of what we think we want, what we sacrifice to seemingly gain. They say time is money, but that's not true. Time is life. And if I want the fullest life, I need to find fullest time. I wipe a water spot off the tap; there's a reflection of me. Oh yes, I know you, the busyness of your life leaving little room for the source of your life. I'm the face grieving.

God gives us time. And who has time for God?

Which makes no sense.

In Christ, don't we have everlasting existence? Don't Christians have all the time in eternity, life everlasting? If Christians run out of time - wouldn't we have lost our very existence? If anyone should have time, isn't it the Christ-followers?....

...a question once asked of a pastor haunts through the rows of headstones and I hear it sure again. What was the pastor's most profound regret in life?....Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me. I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing...Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away....

In our rushing, bulls in china shops, we break our own lives.

Haste makes waste.... and I hear this too, words of another woman seeking: "On every level of life, from housework to heights of prayer, in all judgement and efforts to get things done, hurry and impatience are sure the marks of an amateur".

In a world addicted to speed, I blur the moments into one unholy smear. I have done it. I do it still. Hands of the clock whip hard. So I push hard and I bark hard and I fall hard and when their wide eyes brim sadness and their chins tremble weak, I am weary and I am the thin clear skin, reflecting their fatigue, about to burst, my eyes glistening with their same sheer pain.

The hurry makes us hurt.

And maybe it's the hurt that drives us on?...

Hurry always empties a soul....

I speak to God: I don't really want more time; I just want enough time. Time to breath deep and time to see real and time to laugh long and time to give You glory, and rest deep and sing joy and just enough time in a day not to feel hounded, pressed, driven or wild to get it all done - yesterday.... in the beep and blink of the twenty first century with its "live in the moment" buzz phrase that none of the whirl-weary seem to know how to do, who actually knows how to take time and live with soul and body and God all in sync?

362. Suds...all the color of the sun. 

That's my answer to time. Time is a relentless river. It rages on, a respecter of no one. And this, this is the only way to slow time: When I fully enter time's swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here. I can slow the torrent by being all here. I only live full when I live fully in the moment. And when I'm always looking for the next glimpse of glory, I slow and enter. And time slows....This is where God is. In the present. I AM - his very name.

                                             (Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts)

 And these precious lives -  mine to mold and shape and change and imprint on for ever? Do I see them as a heritage or a possession? Can I come to a place where I take the time to see them as the object, the purpose of my day...instead of the endless list of tasks and activities that are not, and cannot be, in a relationship with me?

My goals, my day, sometimes overshadow the little people in my day. Knowing I have to squeeze an extra two swimming lessons in my week for Aragorn who has an aversion to proper swimming lessons means I have to create time ... and honestly? Knowing this at 0800 each day fills me with something akin to stress: when am I going to pack their lunch, how to fit in school before picking up Belle, Belle missing her nap, fitting in things after this etc. You get the picture. But still. BUT STILL. Those are not good enough excuses.

This motherhood thing? It's daily lessons in servanthood.

O God.




go on over and check this out - for busy moms....

Amazing Grace

A friend shared this blog with me (thanks M!), and I am loving the challenge. Particularly as it fits in with my lessons about grace, and my longing to parent in a grace filled way. This post really spoke to me, and here are some excerpts - to see more, go over to Practical Theology for Women

“When you give back what is earned or deserved, it is not charis—it is not grace. It is not favor or benefit, and it is not credited toward you as anything other than exactly what you are expected to do. Instead, grace does what is unexpected, undeserved, and out of line with reasonable responses. Grace is an unreasonable response—unreasonably good, but unreasonable nonetheless. When we give grace, this undeserved favor that does good to enemies and lends expecting nothing in return, then we give evidence of our relationship with our Father in heaven, because this is his calling card. He is kind to the ungrateful and evil. He is full of grace.”

I think, “Really?! I'm supposed to treat my children as I want them to be not as they actually are acting right now? I get that I'm not supposed to give an unreasonably bad response. But what about a reasonably bad response? Shouldn't they get what they deserve for acting out? But God says instead I'm supposed to give an unreasonably GOOD response. What does that even look like? And why doesn't that make my children's sin increase?!” 
Here is my suspicion--if I really treat my children with grace instead of punishment, they will sin more. It's not natural for me to envision a scenario in which a grace filled response to them in their sin and failure actually helps them overcome their sin. First, I have a mistaken perception of what grace looks like. Grace doesn't mean simply being polite or diplomatic. And most of all, grace doesn't suggest we ignore sin. In fact, grace is meaningless apart from a stark understanding of the sin in question. Grace engages over the sin. But not with punishment. Grace is what moves us from returning evil for evil with punitive measures (a hit for a hit) to returning evil with good by discipling their hearts and training them in new ways to respond to their own issues. 
Second, I am suspicious of grace because I have a shortsighted view of the future. I think if my children don't immediately change their behavior the moment I engage them over their sin issue, I have failed. If I don't reactively punish them, I think they'll abuse my grace. And maybe tomorrow, they will. But God's view for them extends well past tomorrow. It is of eternity. Every adult Christian friend of mine who gives positive testimony of a parent universally tells me of how their parents ENDURED with them through their hard seasons and how that perseverance drew them to repentance. 
The techniques we teach for child rearing are as good an indicator of our understanding of gospel grace as anything. It is interesting how reformed Christian teachers and parents who really should know better still embrace the very techniques that God called ineffective at transformation—law, punishment, and penance—and disdain or mock (as did the author in question) the methods our Father in heaven embraces in His plan for His children—a wooing with grace and kindness that draws us to repentance. We do this because we really don't believe Biblical grace works. We have for the most part graduated from a performance based Christian parenting model to a heart based Christian parenting model. Almost everyone in my Christian circles (which are varied) over the last decade or so has gotten that external conformity apart from internal heart change is of no value. But we still often attempt to change the HEART by external pressure. Through guilt, manipulation, or shame. “Look at ALL God has done for you! Why don't you love Him? Why aren't you obeying Him? He's so wonderful and you're just a worm. Your heart is wicked.” We're trying to get to our kids' heart, but we're using the same old tactics legalists use to change externals. Guilt. Shame. Manipulation. 
If you feel threatened by what you view of as grace based libertarianism (which actually is a meaningless term), it's likely because you don't really believe that grace works and that it's what is required by you. If that's the case, go reread Luke 6 and ask yourself if it's relevant to your children. But even if you are convicted that you do need to parent with grace (as I am), it doesn't mean you do it consistently in the moment. 
Perhaps you simply failed in the moment. You very much wanted to patiently disciple your children in the direction that God is taking them, but instead you got angry at where they were in the moment. I'm there on a regular basis. I am learning that the gospel equips me to deal with this without shame or condemnation. I face it and correct it.  And I have hope that this response won't always characterize me. 
Maybe you did it right, and it still fell apart. Or there wasn't any perceptable change at all. You're not sure if your reactions were right or wrong, and you see no noticeable good results one way or the other. What is the point of responding patiently in grace if it doesn't fix the problem immediately? God's long term view for His children equips you to deal with this without bitterness or the loss of hope. The gospel gifts you with perseverance and confidence in the eternal results. 

Food for thought huh?

The Fruit of my Labour

Today has been an uplifting and oddly sobering day...

I have spent the afternoon dwelling on how deeply thankful I am that I am disciplining my children the way I am.

I know I don't always do it the right way, and I may not always say the right thing....but when you see the fruit in your children's lives: the life, the hope, the affirmation they get from knowing that you are disciplining them out of love...then it is well worth it. I am so thankful that healthy, involved, hands on parenting was modeled to me and that I started shaping and molding them early...because again, the benefits are just so worth it. All the days of consistency, the perseverance in repeating the same thing over and over, the patience, the tears....IT ALL PAYS OFF...eventually. And today, I saw a glimmer of that. A bright shining shimmering ray of hope.

And that glimmer makes me want to help other women who seem to be in the darkness, who admit to me with tears and gut wrenching sobs that they don't know how to do this. As mothers, we all need tools. We need to share with one another and carry one another. How is it that in mothering, we can too often be locked into our own silent cells?

And this evening...an old pupil of mine from my teaching days in Zimbabwe came to have dinner with us. Again, fruit of my labour - two years of inspiring this student whilst teaching her about geography has led her to be doing the most amazing work with the WWF (and no, not the wrestling acronym!) now. She has au paired in America, and pays me compliments on my children (what every mother loves to hear). But as I chat with her my heart is heavy...to hear how much I played a role in her life and yet how distanced and hurt she is from  her parents. My heart is heavy with prayers of hope, and of healing.

And again I am struck. This mantle of parenting is no easy task. But it is, beyond a shadow of doubt, the most important one...

Pools, Parenting and Pointers

This afternoon has been one of those times when you remember parenting sure isn't for cowards!  I have also been reassured that real parenting, the parenting that lasts, takes time, consistency and sticking to your guns.

As my feet are still healing, today at gyn was just pure swimming for me with the kids. Swimming lessons are paying off and they are like fish, embracing the water and the freedom it brings. Aragorn took off his arm bands and swum all on his own - to tell you I was proud would be an understatement.

Sadly, I had climbed out the pool to phone Braveheart who works fairly close by (bags and towels are right there), to see if he could come and watch Aragorn's miracle, when on turning around, I saw him pushing his sister under...and keeping her there.

I charged in, rescued and settled Belle, and then started the parenting bit, in full view of endless other parents. He had done this once before, so this time I was not messing about. I calmly gave him the price of his actions, the consequnece: I banned him from swimming for the rest of the afternoon. For him (and understandably) his little heart was broken. And that's when it started to spiral out of control - his geuine sobs turned into a full blown angry tantrum where listening to mom was not an option.

So me? What did I do? I whipped out some tools I'd learnt a while back. I acknowledged his feelings, and how frustrating it must be to have to stop swimming; I reminded him of the reason he had to stop swimming...and then I gave him a choice. he could continue to cry (in the change room) or stay in the swimming room quietly. Sadly he did not choose, and so I chose one of the optins for him.In our family, failing to listen, or showing disrespect is dealt with quite severely.  (I've seen too many boys grow up to be teenagers who don't respect their mothers, and I  strongly believe that we are preparing for adolescence now....right now, we are cultivating the attitudes that will stay them for the course of their lives.) Any how, after a good 20 minutes or so, the waters were calm.

A lady came up to me at this point, and spoke such life to me - she complimented me on sticking to my guns, and being consistent, and making sure the lesson had been learnt (it's not like anyone could miss the screaming kicking drama in the corner of the pool!). She said she had never seen such thorough parenting (she's now a granny), and was so encouraged to see parenting can builds character and where children learn consequneces. I could have kissed her, I needed that after being in the war  - she may very well have been an angel!

And to top off the afternoon, just a little later, I took Belle to the toilet, and I left King Arthur with strict instrucitons to stay on the step. Sadly on my return I found him playing in the pool as well - and so he also had to face a concesquence for not listening to me. We spoke a lot about our relationship, and trusting one another, and what happens when that is broken.

And that got me thinking about the conversation we're going to have at dinner tonight - about instructions and our responses to them, about choices and consequences. This is what our children need to be taught - that every action, every thought, in deed EVERYTHING we do has a consequence - if we listen or not, if we learn or not, if we apply ourselves or not, if we are kind, or not...think on anything - it's the pure truth. How are we training our children to learn to make wise choices, and to face their consequences?

Food for thought huh?

Homeschool - Truth or Dare?

It is 6am on a Saturday morning, and I am not in bed, and I am not on the road, but sitting on my new couch (yipee!) writing.

I am not in bed because some strange voice over the wall woke me up - just weird. And sometimes, when I'm awake, I'm awake. No going back to sleep for me.

I am not on the road as Braveheart desperately wanted a sleep in, and my foot problem has taken a few steps back. Cutting the shoes did nothing. The pain has diminished on the balls of my feet, but those inserts made the rest of the shoe too small which caused the sides of my feet to be in agony! However, I am now the very VERY grateful owner of a pair of Body Geometry cycling shoes, and again, have met an amazing cycling shoe specialist. I am eagerly yet nervously anticipating a ride, as this investment had better work....

These weeks are passing in a blur and it's just no good blogging in my head (thanks M for my nudge :)).

Homeschool. This journey we have embarked on is going to change me more than anything else, I suspect. So far, I have realized that it is time to re-prioritize things. For example, being the task focused, product vs process, achievement orientated person I am, I am realizing that all of that must come second to my relationship with my children. Inverting that order almost seems unnatural to me, but it is the path of life. It is more important to honor, respect and develop a relationship with each of my children than it is for me to get somewhere on time, or be able to tick off all that we have done in a day.

Secondly, my teaching background is not necessarily an advantage. It is TOO easy for me to recreate school at home, and forget that homeschooling is more about the HOME in schooling. So it's just as important for King Arthur to bake with me, or be exposed to the drudgery of chores or the monotony of errands as it is for him to do seat work, etc. I need to relax a lot more, and allow for inspiration to over take me. Being handed a curriculum that is spelled out for me, rather than a framework where I have to make individual lessons also means I can be lazy, and see Sonlight's way of doing it as something to achieve, rather than allow my natural bent to take over. I've just started tutoring again (?!), and find myself able to make those lessons inspiring and creative, whereas King Arthur's are pretty mundane. I'm learning to see his education as something fluid, not set in stone.

I am spread thin. Getting Aragorn and Belle to school is the most stressful part of my day. The round trip takes me about 45 minutes, and then within about 3 hours I do it all again! And there are two things at work here:

• I feel the pressure to get King Arthur's work done when they are at school so that I can enjoy Aragorn and Belle when they return from school
• I have seen that I do not yet posses enough grace to have them at home with me. They've been sick this past week, and trying to do school with them at home is just ... frankly impossible. I know it was the exception and they were sick, and I am in sure in normal circumstances I would find a rhythm, I am sure I would learn, but right now, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God knew what he was doing - he's easing me into it, one child at a time!

OK. So that's me. Now onto King Arthur. He is doing so well, and is somewhat so content ( I say that because there are some grumbles about it being boring, or about having to do the same things every day (red flag to self - change something!!!!! Spice things up a bit!). Not once has he mentioned friends, or missing them, or wanting to be at school. Sure, I've organised a few play dates, and we have co-op, but he is happy. I can see him just soaking up all this time that he has with me.

reading to his brother and sister
(on the OLD couch!!!!!)

doing maths whilst baking
feel-good muffins

Singapore maths blocks

Ancient Egypt - lego pyramids and
Egyptian collars

Measuring weights on a homemade scale

Sonlight is delivering every one of its promises. He loves listening to the stories, and there are certain aspects (the doing parts) he loves more than others. His boredom with some of the phonics and Maths was because it was just too basic for him, so in his reading program I have jumped him ahead 10 weeks. The beauty of homeschooling - a tailor made education! I've yet to figure out exactly where to peg him in Maths without missing any foundational concepts, but again - such freedom. Were he in school, he would be so bored waiting for the rest of the children to catch up.

A friend calls them "A-ha" moments, and I love getting to be alongside him whilst he learns, watching that proverbial light bulb go on. I am enjoying my learning moments too, although they are a lot more challenging than I thought they would be!

Kids are awake - enjoy the weekend all!

The Answer is Blowing in the Wind....

I love that song. It's so eerie and sweet and innocent.

In a recent marriage course we have been hosting, God brought me to a standstill.

It came about as the women in the group couldn't understand how the men in the group wouldn't read any books on marriage, or parenting, or personalities etc. And for the women, this seemed the most natural response to 'problems' :- find out from someone who has walked the road before, learn from their mistakes, learn what works and then do it ourselves.

This flummoxed the men. Their response went something along the lines of :- Why learn from someone else? They're not me, they're not like me, they don't know my circumstances. And their overriding response was "I can do this (with God) alone".

Fascinating. All the women I know read endless books on parenting, on marriage, on relationships - self-help books or teaching books, however you want to label them. Men? Largely just not interested. Willing to go it on their own and to learn, in my eyes, the hard way. Fascinating! (The more I learn about how different God created us the more so many things make sense!)

The part that turned me into a statue though, was when one of the men asked me how many books on parenting I'd read. My answer? Many. Then he asked me what kind of parent I was. Naturally I said a perfect one (ahem this was said with much jest!)...

Then WHAM! It struck me. I have been searching for answers for years. I borrow/buy endless parenting books looking for solutions, looking for answers, but friends, although I may find them I quickly forget them. I have been unable to see that THE ANSWER is right in front of me, in Christ. If I seek him, and him alone, I am convinced I shall find what I am looking for. After all, sin't he the one that gave me these 3 particular children to bring up?

A friend sent me this later, and again, just fascinating....

Men don’t change easily.  Men don’t like to change; and because men are actually programmed not to change, but to solidify their opinions and their identities, it often leads to men killing others in one form or another.  In fact, men are rewarded, admired, and elected for not changing! Unfortunately, this feels like most of human history.  Stalin said, “One death is a tragedy.  But when 150,000 people die, it’s a ‘statistic.’”  Too often, we men are able to live in this detached world of statistics instead of inside of our own sacred humanity.  No wonder Jesus’ first preached word was “change” !

In the wars of the 20th century, most countries involved claimed to be Christian—filled with people who claimed to base their lives on Jesus and his teachings.  This is what happens when religion does not really change people, but is just the group to which you happen to belong.

http://cacradicalgrace.org/

Food for thought huh?

Month End Musings

I've started this post a number of times now, and keep deleting it. The problem? I write endless posts in my head, days pass, and then by the time my fingers start tapping at this keyboard the inspiration behind those posts has dulled, and I'm left not really knowing how to connect with my writing spirit again!

Solution? Make a more pointed habit of writing when I feel prompted too.

So this post is an accumulation of many things, or if you will, a rambling of nothings ....

1. Homeschooling has got off to a flying start. I recognize the mistakes I made that first week: trying to cover too much. There's a reason they (Sonlight) give you an Instructor's Guide, and there's a reason they tell you to read x number of pages a day- because they have tried it, tested it, and found what works! So King Arthur and I are settling into a rhythm, and he's soaking up everything I send his way. I still need to overcome my uncertainty about his pace, but that too will come.
2. I've joined a wonderful co-op (basically a playgroup for want of a better description), that meets once a week at a different person's house to socialize/do activities with the kids. I am looking forward to getting to know these women more, and for our children to develop friendships.
3. Braveheart and I managed to get away this last weekend, and it was good for my soul, although our expectations weren't quite met by the place we stayed at. We've learnt a lot about the type of people we are - when it's just the two of us away for a special weekend, we like to be spoilt quite frankly! Not excessively, but just not mismatched furniture and smelly sheets!
4. God used the time away to speak to me about my tone (again) with the kids, and to remind me that although it wasn't modeled to me, a mother is called to be a nurturer. And I look forward to him making me softer towards them...
5. I have a serious foot problem, to the extent that my feet were excruciatingly sore in a spinning class last week and I thought I might throw up. It feels like I am walking on my bare bones. And when I ride on the road, I can feel every stone I ride over through my cleats...truly. I have since chatted to a physio friend, worn my trainers incessantly which has dulled the pain, and am seeing a podiatrist this week at the Sports Science Institute. I suspect (and hope) the culprits are my riding shoes and nothing more serious. Days are moving swiftly towards March 13th people. SWIFTLY. 
6. My breakfast eating plan went well this month, with very little grumbling I am pleased to report. So now I'm wondering what to add on for February - should it be veggies (we eat salad with every evening meal, but very little veggies) or combining food well? Time to commit methinks.
7. And I may be tutoring some Shakespeare this year - woohooo!!!! Bring it on!

And  now my heart is feeling prompted with weightier things to write, so I shall end off this drivel and draft some posts to follow.

Tomorrow's the Day!

This is the conversation I overheard as I walked down the passage tonight as the boys were settling in their beds.

King Arthur: I'm so excited. Tomorrow is my special day!
Aragorn: Why? Is it because of homeschooling?
KA: Yes. I can't wait. I'm so excited I'm going to do homeschooling as soon as I wake up.
A: Oh. (clearly a bit puzzled by his brother's enthusiasm)
KA: EC (a friend of his) has already started school, and I've had to wait. But tomorrow's the day! I don't think I can sleep...

And then the conversation degenerated! But I cannot tell you what a gift overhearing that conversation was to me, just to know how much enthusiasm is in my little boy's heart. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have made the right choice for him.

The beginning of this journey has been interesting for me. Last week I was convinced that my children would all start school tomorrow, the 19th of January. But on Monday, I made some calls and realised that Belle only starts on Thursday, and Aragorn next week Monday (24th)! And this after I'd been counting down the days with King Arthur in "sleeps to go".  I knew I could not deny him another few days, it would break him. His natural curiosity is full blown and he is more than ready to actually LEARN something. Madly i had to re-shuffle my expectations of the week, and the way in which I had envisaged starting teaching him.

But true to form, whilst spinning this evening God spoke: I really believe this is the best way forward now, because I see that this staggered start is great - each of them gets a special day to start their journeys this year - and we will pray and bless them on their INDIVIDUAL respective mornings. And Elijah gets to start this journey with his siblings around so that he doesn't notice the huge shift to having no class mates. Each way I look at it, I see His hand and this is perfect.

And I'm choosing to see me not being as prepared as I wanted to as part of his Hand in this as well - I need to relax!!!

Diet Deviations

I am still profoundly impacted by what happens to us when we become parents - the choices we make; how much we change; how much we are willing to change in order to create the best possible environments for our children. Each day, endless choices present themselves to us.

For some of us, we make the choice to drive in traffic two hours each day to take our children to what we believe to be the best possible schools; for some, it's the choice to sacrificing a part of ourselves to teach our children at home; for some, it's the choice to change our diet drastically to give our children the best possible odds in coping with life. And I'm amazed at the unselfishness of it all. As parents, we give up independence, we give up selfishness, without us really even realizing it.

To those of you making these sacrifices, however big or small, know that I salute you.

I applaud you.

Our Chosen Choices

I've written and rewritten this post a number of times, altering things after I've written it as God has reminded me so bear with me, there might be more changes in days to come!

Over the last little while, I have spent a lot of time thinking about two things:

1. the choices we make in our lives
2. our lives are a direct result of our choices.

Which when you get down to it, is quite sobering. I know that sometimes circumstances sweep in and challenge us and alter our paths. But even in that, there is  a choice to be made - a choice as to how we will respond to those circumstances - we will either find a way to master those circumstances, or they will master us.

And our choices?

The one that has been bemusing me over the last few weeks is the parenting one.

“The formative period for building character for eternity is in the nursery. The mother is queen of that realm and sways a scepter more potent than that of kings or priests.” ~Author Unknown

Again, I really can't do better justice to this topic than this post, so please go over and read it and then return...(and know that I know some of you are single moms, divorced moms, moms who have no choice but to be working....this is not directed at you. But if you are choosing to work: do some maths - is it by necessity or desire? is it to maintain a lifestyle or put bread on the table?  just examine it for a moment will you?)

The part I want to highlight is this parenting thing, the character forming part of it: it is a constant, never ending call, even when we don't feel like it. It is our job, our duty to teach our children  - and for those of us who believe in God, I think it stretches further to expecting to see the Holy Spirit lead them. No, I don't believe we can or should be controlling our children, but I do believe they need to be led, to be taught, to be trained, to be shown. Today I caught sight of this title of a book that made me smile  - it was "Loving the Early Years, Motherhood in the trenches" - and i just loved the by-line! Mothering in these early years is really hard (and it may remain just as hard as kids grow I don't know, watch this space as I grow!). 

It's about constantly reminding our children time and time again not to call each other names. It's about exhorting them to use words that honor one another, or words that are meaningful instead of using silliness and toilet humor (something my boys find exasperatingly funny - so I'm in the throes here!). To cop out of this because you're tired of hearing your own voice, or because your kids never listen to you points to something even deeper. It is right to bring up our children in a way that teaches them to listen, teaches them to obey, teaches them to heed what is said - if not now, then what when adolescence hits?

 I am becoming convinced that this is indeed one of the most important aspects of motherhood. 

These choices we are making: choosing to speak or to be silent. Choosing to work or to stay at home. Choosing to take career A or B, choosing to trust God or trust ourselves -  whatever they may be - 

Are we sure that they count? 

That they are the right ones?

Yearnings for the Year

So...the new year has begun, and is well on its way. And today is the first time in weeks that I am stopping. Just grinding to a halt. We've been so busy the last few weeks, out every day, doing little things - whether it be people, outings or errands. And with Braveheart going back to work, it's an opportunity just to STOP. And BE. And so we are.

As I write this the kids are eating sweets - yes, it's true. At this point I am keen to get the Christmas sweets over and done with! I love the peace and the calm that is emanating from my home today (somewhat intermittently I might add, there are still the odd squabbles, but I mean overall!). I love having my kids around me, and having time to be and speak into their lives without having to 'do' anything. I have to make a conscious effort not to create things for them to do today - it does not come naturally to me...

2011. Another year. Another start.

Me? These are some of my yearnings for the year: (Some semantics - I dislike "resolutions"...that implies something I have to work at to change..."yearnings", well that implies a desire, a longing, something God and I can do together - in his time, with his prompting....)

I long to sort out my food dilemma. I'll digress to bring you up to speed. I have come to loathe food - not when it is served to me, or made by someone else, but when I have to prepare it - cook it, make it..anything with food that requires my involvement leaves me sighing deeply. If I'm really honest, I think it comes down to pure laziness (oh the effort) and selfishness (I love being served, but not necessarily serving). And here's the rub - an a mother, and a wife, those really are two qualities that are not synonymous with those callings. If I want to have a home that is warm and  happy something has to give!

So to this end I have made a few adjustments again. I have created a breakfast, lunch and diner plan. This has streamlined  my shopping, and helps me mentally get a handle on what is required.  And as I do the shopping and the meal planning I am the only one really responsible for what my family eats - and I long to incorporate more of what I believe constitutes healthy eating, and to eat the way I want to - which largely falls by the wayside as to cook two meals etc just isn't cutting it for me. I also loathe budgeting and making money stretch....something I need to master. Any tips anyone? :)

But here's the thing. We've talked about it as a family, and I'm impressed with my kids - they're on board. I've cut out sugar cereals (thanks for the idea Nikki)  except for one day a week, and they have to eat some things they don't like. And when I sit down with a bowl of fruit, or some salad, they inevitably want what I am eating. Kids will follow our example, pure and simple - so the question is, what kinds of example are we setting them?      

I yearn for family time. Now we spend a lot of time as a family, but I still yearn for more. It's a priority for me.  More memories. A deeper sense of family, and what it means to be parents and be speaking into our lives. And to this end, again, it falls on me - it's my bent. I have blocked out the year, looked at all the public holidays and have an idea of when we'd like to try and get away again as a family. Now I need to find affordable options. I even feel that my time cycling is drawing to a close - as the Argus draws closer, it's going to require 3-4 solid rides of training a week, each 3-5 hours, and that's just such a huge chunk of time over the next two months. Time I'm not really that willing to hand over any more. I'm curious as to what will replace it though...interesting huh?

I long to see my children thrive in their new seasons this year. King Arthur will be at home with me, Aragorn for the first time will start a school on his own, not under King Arthur's shadow, and I really sense he will become his own person. And Belle also starts a little school. Now whilst I want them all home with me, I also know that this is right for each of them. Aragorn caves in to King Arthur too often. I sense God will use this to build him into his own confident self. And Belle will be able to be whoever she really is! And King Arthur will soak up this one on one time. This is also a new season for me - homeschooling. The teacher in me has unpacked all the stuff, put it on the shelves, filed it...and I have the same butterflies in my stomach I had when I taught for the first time! I'm determined to embrace this in a relaxed way - watch this space!

And being a wife. This kind of dove tails into the others. I want to focus more than anything on being the wife I've always wanted to be. A wife that sometimes makes her husband's favorite meal for dinner instead of always making the kids favorite ones, or feeding him the quickest easiest meal (like scrambled eggs!). I want to pack his lunch with as much effort as I do the kids - thinking about the nature of his day and whether it involves touch rugby, or gym etc. I want to think of creative ways to spend time with him, with and without the kids, not always putting the kids first.....all these things, that seemed so natural pre-kids, so natural when we were dating...are so foreign to me now.

I have some steep learning curves ahead of me!

 

Surly South Easter

Sigh.

South Easters drive me to distraction.

You would think that by now I would have come to terms that I live in a coastal city at the edge of a continent and that in fact, to be more precise, I live in deep south of said city, and furthermore, in a valley between two oceans. So really, I should be comfortable with the fact that the wind howls.

But seriously. It has blown non-stop for close on three days and I'm enough already!

Today we attempted to make the most of the day in spite of the wind. In his first upright day, Braveheart felt to use the day to take the boys on a date - so off he took them to Ratanga Junction. They had a blast, spent the whole day there, and went on all the kiddie rides. Thankfully Braveheart just watched as I think doing any of them might have sent him over the edge given how he's been feeling! The boys had an awesome day with their dad, and I think they are positively glowing having spent such a special date treat with him

And me? ... I escaped the wind and took Belle to the Two Oceans Aquarium. It's funny how seasons go - when we first moved to Cape Town we were amazed by the aquarium (especially having been land locked Zimbabweans!) - and the fact that you could buy a year pass that was the same price as one entry (that was a few years ago - I was shocked today at the difference in prices! I still think a year's pass is worth it. Belle was free!). Back then, we bought year passes for our family, and in those first years any time the weather turned nasty we were there! I love how they have crafts for the kids, and they really try and change exhibits to keep things interesting.

But times change, seasons are different - and Belle had never been. So as our special date, off we went. It was STUNNING weather at the waterfront - a little windy but  nothing like the howling gale on this side of Cape Town. And it was precious. She loved it. I tried to take photos, but she could not stand still - she just kept running around. Her best was the tank of clown fish - and the sharks. To top of her date once we were home again, I played trains with her - she clearly has two older brothers!

As I write this I wonder if it will turn into a Black south easter - certainly has the potential. I truly wonder if I will ever make peace with the wind....

Threatening Thunderstorms

OK. We are going camping today - on the foothills of the Cedarberg Mountains, on a lovely organic mango farm, right next to a river. Sounds idyllic huh? Only here's the thing:

1. The weather forecast for that area suggests that there is a 60% chance of thunderstorms occurring today. On one hand, it's been so long since I experienced a real thunderstorm (as opposed to Cape Town's insipid rainfall) I'm excited. Thunder. Lightning. Heavy rain. Might even get to smell the rain! On the other hand, can you imagine trying to put up a tent in the rain? Should make for some amusing pictures! Look at these...am filled with a tangible feeling of nervous dread!

Can you just imagine this - no dry ground/clothes/bedding....

Not quite the camping trip I had in mind

    2.   We had a shocking night's sleep - Belle was complaining of ear ache and a sore throat, so                  Braveheart and I were like yo-yo's all night.

    3.    In the wee hours of this morning (you know the ones where your slumber is at it's deepest ESPECIALLY after preceeding intermittent sleep) King Arthur woke with bad croup. It's been ages since he had his last attack. Now here's the thing. I am a 100% believer in Pre-flam for this condition, but I don't have any at the moment. This is going to require a very sweet phone call to my gp quite far from me (who only sees babies and children and whom I respect and love) to get a script faxed to a pharmacy near me. If I can't raise her on this South African public holiday, I shall have to resort to the medical practice nearest me who, last time I visited them, told me I was being a shocking mother (truly, I kid you not. Hence my vow that I shall never return - can anyone recommend an adult doctor to me?).

   4.    I haven't packed a thing!

Ho-hum. Best I go and make some tea and get cracking! Have a great long weekend!

If I had a green nose...

Got to love those moments when you're reading a kids story, and suddenly God speaks to you loud and clear. I'm not a Max Lucado fan, but his allegories for kids are just awesome....

Lucia and Punchinello looked out the windows of Eli's workshop. Like other Wemmicks, they were wooden people. But unlike other Wemmicks, they weren't standing in line in the village below.

"Look at them all!"exclaimed Punchinello.

"I don't understand it," Lucia wondered. "Why would anyone want to paint his nose green?"

"Because everyone else is, " Eli responded without looking up form his workbench.

Punchinello didn't understand. "What do you mean?"

"Everyone wants to look like everyone else. Sometimes it's square hats. Sometimes it's tall shoes. Why, last year the big thing was yellow ears. Now it's green noses. Everyone wants a green nose."

"Does a green nose make them smarter?"Punchinello asked

"No."

"Does a green nose make them stronger?

"No."

"Does it make them faster?

"No."

"Then what does a green nose make them?"

Eli looked up and smiled. "Greener."

But his smile left as he looked out of the window at the long line of Wemmicks. "They think they'll be happier if they look like everyone else. But I made them different on purpose. Freckles, long noses, bright eyes, dark eyes...these were my ideas. Now they all want to look the same."

and then these two Wemmicks go down to the village to get a closer look, and this is one of the conversations they have whilst observing the goings on...

"It's the latest thing," barked a Wemmick on the sidewalk. "Don't be the only Wemmick with a plain nose."

"Who is that?" asked Punchinello.

Lucia shrugged. "I don't know."

"Why, that's Mr. Willy Withit," volunteered a Wemmick from behind them.

"Does he run the nose-painting store?" asked Punchinello.

"More than that," the Wemmick explained. "Painted noses were his idea. So were the square hats and the tall shoes and the yellow ears. New things are his thing. He decides what is 'withit'. Isn't he the best?"

Lucia and Punchinello took a good look at this tall Wemmick with the deep voice, big smile, tall hat, and green bow tie that matched his oh-so-great green nose. Both were thinking the same question. Lucia asked it, "Who made him the new-thing picker?"

The Wemmick looked puzzled, like he'd never been asked that question. "Well I don't know. He always has."

Little Punchinello and some of his friends end up getting their noses painted, but they have to keep going back as green soon isn't the latest fashion, it's blue. Then yellow, orange  - you get the idea. At the end of the story they return, somewhat dejected to Eli's workshop...

"Been trying to fit in, eh?'

Punchinello nodded.

"Did you succeed?"

"Not really. Every time we got close, someone changed the rules."

"That's the way it is."

"And my neck hurt from sticking my nose in the air," Woody added.

"You weren't built to walk that way."

"We just want to be ourselves again, " Spilnt said.

"I'm glad to hear that".

"Can we?"they asked.

"Of course you can," Eli replied. "I'll always help you to be who I made you to be". Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a piece of sandpaper. "But it's going to take some time."

And so Punchinello and his friends followed their maker into this workshop where he spent the rest of hsi day removingf the paint. It hurt to be sanded, but it was worth it be normal again.

A Missed Opportunity

Yesterday was tough - you know the ones. Days where words fly out of your mouth before you can catch them and before long you are regretting the things you have said but just can't seem to hold your mouth closed to stop more from coming out.

Yesterday was a big deal in King Arthur's life - his nursery school graduation day. His nursery school holds this little ceremony to bless the children as they leave nursery school and go on to 'big school' (in my case, supposedly!). It's a lovely touch - they perform songs they've been practicing for weeks, introduce themselves, say what they'd like to be when they grow up (King Arthur, who won't hurt an ant, said he wanted to be a hunter!!!), and their teacher speaks an individual blessing over each of them in turn. So very precious. But all the practices and rehearsals for this event have taken its toll on the kids, and their teacher reminded them they all needed to have a rest today.

So, I arrived home with a somewhat weary yet excited King Arthur, who when we stopped outside the gate, told me he didn't want to open the garage (he does the garage, Aragorn does the gate). And I lost it completely. I heard him say he wasn't going to open it, and I took it personally (for the record he did later defend himself by saying he just didn't feel like it).

I went off on a tangent, about how many times I have to do things I don't really want to do, and how little I actually ask of them....and the more I said the more I fueled the fire and the angrier I became. I think as adults we forget how narrow our children's worlds are - they can't possible multi-task as much as we do. I told them to make their own lunch and sort themselves out, and didn't do a thing to help. I lambasted him, and the other two by default. Oh my. Looking back I think the root of the matter was that this is one of the very few things that I do ask them to do on a regular daily basis. One thing and they complain!!!!!!

Slowly, as the afternoon wore on I realized what a foul mood I was in, and God showed me that instead of choosing to react to this situation, I had missed an opportunity to ACT, to TRAIN my child. It is my job as a parent to train them, to cultivate helpful attitudes - these things do not always come naturally. God also showed me that by continuing to fuel this fire I was actually robbing King Arthur of the love and affirmation he needed on this his special day, and that should I continue like this, he would not be assured of my love when he had to stand up and speak in front of everyone at graduation.

I held my lips closed. I said less. By the time bath time came around I had explained again why I was so cross, and my tone was no longer angry and condemning. God reminded me how much I had hated opening the gate, and how often I would pretend to be asleep when we got home late with my parents so my brother would have to open the gate. Dinner time came, and I roped in King Arthur to help lay the table for the special meal we had made for him. And in the car, more repair work was done. Until finally, in the dark of his bedroom, I confess and ask for forgiveness.

I have learnt a lesson today. May I remember it well in the heat of the moments that will surely come....

Mellow Tuesday

Today King Arthur is at home - we arrived at school, and he burst into tears telling me he hadn't slept that well (for the record he slept VERY well!). My heart went out to him - it's not only us adults that find the pace of the end of a year exhausting, but they feel it too. So I gave him the option to come home with me, and we are having a wonderful day - relaxed, chilling and at peace. He's asked to do craft....

This was his idea can you believe it?
Knew exactly what he wanted to do and make...
I'm impressed - and they even fly quite well!

And of course Belle had to make one too!

King Arthur now wants me to bake a cake with him for Aragorn, who went to school....sweet man!

I am fully aware I need to prioritize some blogging time - we had a fantastic Thanksgiving with all our American friends - the house just absorbed 30 people - I am SO THANKFUL for this home!

And I am approaching this weekend with something akin to pure dread - I have entered a 98km race on Sunday...

1. I have never done this race before and do not like riding an unknown route
2. It is in Stellenbosch, and my start time is 0648, which means I am likely to have to wake up at 0430 to get there on time ( I am a morning person, but that my friends is pushing it)
3. In training the most I have raced is 80km...(those extra 18km make all the difference)
4. Which took me 5 hours with breaks - and now my cutoff time is 6 hours (i.e. no breaks...golly)
5. My bike appears to be having problems with gear changes on ascents - which means on steep hills I have to stop, turn my bike over, re thread the change and continue racing....unknown hills people, unknown hills.
6. And I am supposed to be doing this to better my seeding for the Argus, and my concern is that this race might DROP me a few groups :( boo hoo!

So ... wish me courage, and strong legs that won't cramp...and that we can find overnight babysitters and a place to stay that side of the world so my wake up time ( this is of course if I sleep) is somewhat more normal!

What was I thinking????!

Sentimental Snapshot

Braveheart and Belle

Got to love moments like these...