A Moment in May

My house is quiet. And I desire to write.

But my fingers pause over the keyboard.

Hovering.

Stamping out a few words, letters...then deleting them.

Looking out the window at the ha-de-dah skewering worms on his beak.

It feels like I can't do this anymore.

"This"  being this blog. "This" being writing but not writing. Sharing but not sharing.

Pretending really.

This is not who I am.

I am all or nothing.

Soul bared and soul shared, or silent. IRL ( I have never needed to use that abbreviation ever before! That made me grin!) I strongly dislike small talk.

I like being real. I can't tell you how that began, or why, but it is something that I am supremely comfortable with. I'm comfortable with that skin. I'm emotional. Intense. Deep. Analytical. Obsessive. Yip, that's me. Comfortable.

And here's the funny part. I'm comfortable with being real with the people I know. And I have sometimes even been real with people I don't know, or people I have only just met.

But writing this blog - I come unstuck. I come unstuck because I know some of you. Some of you well, some of you not so well. Some of you I don't know at all.

My hear is shrouded right now... I feel it atrophying at the edges. And the only way I know how to massage it is to write.

And my question is ...how much of my heart do I serve up to you in a post?

What will happen to my heart?

Should this blog continue to live?

... and yet something within me cries out for women to be real, for there to be a community that holds one another's hearts and loves and cares and cradles them...the whole Titus 2 bit. And sometimes it's safer online. It's safer than real life.

Do I shut this blog down and invite those of you who want to over to another?

Am I confusing journaling with blogging?

But honesty always COSTS. And I'm not sure I'm willing to pay right now.

Desired Direction

The silence is because I desire direction.

I have loved writing this blog. But I am aware that to me, it feels like I have lost focus.

What is the point of this blog? Am I blurring the lines between deep personal feelings, social commentary, and sharing my family life with far flung friends?

Can this blog tie all these strands together, or do I need to let some fly free?

Time will tell....

A quiet oasis

In the last few days I have stumbled across a rare gem.

 And I share it here, in the hopes that you will travel over, stay a while, and catch something beautiful that will refresh you.






And these two posts....they speak VOLUMES...
on joyful mothering,
and on homeschooling.

Hurry is the death of prayer - Samuel Chadwick

Silent Shadows

Hello there -yes. I'm talking to you. And you. And you!

Today I learnt that more people than I thought read this blog. People whom I never thought would find the musings of my mind interesting. But, it turns out, You do!

And I feel strangely ...

Astonished.

Peel off a layer ...

Exposed.

And another one ...

Vulnerable.

And I'm not really sure why,  if I pause and analyse it.

But analyse it I am ... and I wonder if knowing your audience makes you alter what it is that you want to say?

And there's a part that also tickles me. Like wow! People read my blog! Apart from two committed followers!

I'm shaken because like you, I too am a silent stalker on blogs. I don't really comment. I read some blogs regularly, but seldom take the extra effort to comment.

But knowing that there are silent shadows to this blog is ...

a privilege.

So ... thank you.

For reading and choosing to connect with me in the safety of silent cyberspace.

Up with the birds

Yes, I'm not kidding you - do you know the birds wake up at about 0430 in the fairest Cape? And as I am embarking on a ride to the Waterfront I am up....and very bleary eyed make no mistake! I am sure, once I am on my bike and I eventually see the sun I shall enjoy it, but right now, my bed lingers in my head!

The pace of the last week leaves me feeling breathless. How is it that very once in a while everything seems to culminate in one week? I started a quilting bee to help me make the Christmas stockings I've wanted to make for years, (let's see if we get them finished this Christmas!), there's King Arthur's gym competition, my NEW sewing machine broke, lifts to Christmas concert practices for both boys, making curtains and tutoring, favorite authors in town signing books, Braveheart damaged his neck etc etc. So as a result, this poor blog has been put on the back burner!

However I assure you, I will return!

Pen down....

... fingers are still. Yip, it's true, I AM FINISHED! I came up with this brainwave last night as to how I can finish my part of the book without input from the other half, and came up with a brilliant (if I don't say so myself) bit of direction for Braveheart, who as the creator of Bokkie also has to do a bit of writing. So I can well and truly dust my hands, put away all rugby material, rest my fingers, and welcome back my beautfiul brain. I've missed you dear fellow!

When I woke this morning I had this beautfiul feeling of space in my head: rooms that for a good few weeks have been occupied with clutter are now empty and free. Thoughts were a-tumbling all around me with regards to all the things I want to write about - discourses I've been having for weeks with myself unable to find the time or the energy to commit them to paper.  Alas, a phone call a few moments ago has shattered that serenity. Funny how when you desire something intensely, and are then offered that thing you think you want, the reality of attaining that thing can make you realise in a flash that you really didn't need it as much as you thought you did. Now what to do? What to do?! I seriously need a good dose of wisdom, insight and some very clear discernment. How's that for  a very cryptic insight?

The tutoring...it's continuing, so that's the only thing that is till lingering, but in my head, I'm relocating it to a smaller, more manageable room - I have to, for sanity's sake! And I must be doing something right if he keeps coming back right? And it's getting somewhat clearer in my head. The part I'm enjoying most is actually 'getting' weather - the science part, for the first time ever. For example - I now get why there is a band of cloud over Ou Kaapse Weg sometimes, and that when you get to the top it's a clear beautiful day. My friends, that is a temperature inversion - a layer of stable air sitting on a layer of unstable air (the band of clouds) preventing the unstable air (the air with moisture in it, the clouds) from rising. That's also why we so often see a layer of smog over Cape Town City on our descent of the mountain. And i find that so sweet!

So now. I breathe. I relax. I'm so looking forward to writing for pure pleasure again.

Enjoy this beautiful weekend.

Creeping towards Closure

I'm so sorry that it appears I have slipped off into the nether regions these last few days...or weeks...how long has it been?! Despite having thought I got publish posts whilst being preoccupied, I have failed miserably! I always have so much to say, but I honestly have had no head space to tolerate anything more in my mind – I am limping towards the finish line. The good news is, there is one page left that requires my creative genius.

The bad news is that it is unlikely I am going to get this page in the next few days – so although I am so close, there is no hope of me actually laying down my pen (so to speak). And I LOATHE that. I hate no begin able to finish, to wrap things up. The bad news continues. I have drawn a line in the sand and refused to meet with the publishers ( I realize I am being somewhat childish, but really, if your constant excuse is that you are too buys to work on my project, then when push comes to shove, I'm going to dig my heels in and do the same). Yip, it goes against everything within my character, but I cannot keep on delaying this process. We're already three weeks over the submission date, and I'm the only one that seems concerned about that. So i'm handing it over to the Bokkie Licensing Agents, and this awesome Jungle Beat brand manager – I am so thankful for Miss N.!

I also spent the last week studying...yip. I tutor a 16 year old homeschool student geography, and this week he asked me to teach him Atmosphere and Weather. Now, that's no small unit in the AS Level CIE syllabus, and it was slightly compounded by the fact that I have NEVER enjoyed the topic, and it was never taught to me in a way that ever made sense. And now, here's a student who needs me to make it make sense to him....o boy. So needless to say there were many late nights studying global energy budgets and local energy models etc. Again, good and bad news. The good news is that I made it make sense (and even had a few revelations about things I had never grasped myself – temperature inversions are so sweet!)...but the bad news is that as a result he wants me to teach another module in this topic next week! Sigh....

So...that means I may be quiet for just a little longer. I'm missing writing, and the clarity it gives me and the freedom in my mind. I shall return soon....rest assured.

Snow!

I have just figured out the beauty of Picasa! Imagine my delight at discovering how EASY and SIMPLE it really is (yes, even though some of you told me to...it took a while!). So, with finally being able to download photos off my camera onto my laptop thanks to Picasa, I shall now regale you with wonderful photo posts for a few days! - Suits my rugby-full head!

As an aside - do you know I watched some of the game today, and I got it? I looked at the markings on the field and smiled smugly to myself- I now know what the 5m line is, the dead-ball line, the function of the 10m-in line! I rock! Let's hope the book will too!

Okay, but back to business. During the recent school holidays I took the boys to the Ice Station at the Grand West Casino. Every Wednesday of the holdidays from 1030-1230 they had snow! My kids were super psyched as they had never seen/touched snow before. And the best part was that it only cost R5 for as long as you wanted! So we arrived - and I must admit I wondered why people were arriving with bags of things, adn what looked like beach toys...but it soon fell into place.

Turns out there is a competition each week, and the winner of the best snowman walks away with vouchers and a few other goodies. These moms were prepared!!!!! And the beach toys...well it turns out snow is actually quite cold, and little peoples's hands get quite cold, and South African gloves/mittens aren't really made for snow!

So let me show you what these seasoned builders can do -

And then there was us... King Arthur, Aragorn and I had made it a special date (Granny had Belle for the morning), but we had come somewhat ill-prepared. So, we attempted to make the most of it, and used our cheddars, raising, a scarf and a beanie.

King Arthur with our mound of snow

thumping it into shape

our snow fellow!

two proud, but somewhat cold, brothers!

Next year, we will got prepared! And thanks to me, you will go prepared too!!!!

I figured it out!

Yes, well, it's taken me some time to come up with a look I really like for my blog (and yes that's important to me!) and so I am choosing to let y'all know where I am and what this is about! And I'm still working on some blasted font issues (grr!!!)

p.s. for those of you who are thinking about creating a blog, these little videos were so helpful to me – I clearly am a visual learner, and someone who likes to be taught rather than figuring it out on my own!

Finding my Voice

I have found my voice! This would explain the silence of the last few weeks - after having started this blog I just wasn't sure what I wanted to really write about, or what the focus of my blog should be.

But I've found it - after much soul searching.

This blog will be an encouragement to women: an encouragement to be all that they can be as a wife and a mother. An encouragement to make this a community that allows a fellowship of the heart, where they can be real and vulnerable (whilst having the choice to be anonymous).

So I shall write to my heart's content, about life, love, family and motherhood!

Enjoy!

The Beginning of it all....

this is it! Tonight marks the advent of my first ever blog entry! Goodness, to think that I am embarking on this great technological journey into the realms of cyberspace! I realize that for many of you out there this is simply old hat, something you do everyday and have been doing for years, but for little old me, at the tip of Southern Africa, this is a first! I am feeling inspired to begin blogging – and I'm not really sure what my goal is in doing this. I have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve, and if you stick by for long you'll hear me telling you all about myself...but sharing that with people who may be complete strangers...? Hmm, this is something that might take some getting used to. And if I keep it just for me...now that just doesn't seem quite right. I think this is something I could easily become addicted to, and yet I am feeling this strange inward tugging – my heart strings are being pulled and this is something that wants to be sung. So...I'm diving in and just beginning!