A Moment in May

My house is quiet. And I desire to write.

But my fingers pause over the keyboard.

Hovering.

Stamping out a few words, letters...then deleting them.

Looking out the window at the ha-de-dah skewering worms on his beak.

It feels like I can't do this anymore.

"This"  being this blog. "This" being writing but not writing. Sharing but not sharing.

Pretending really.

This is not who I am.

I am all or nothing.

Soul bared and soul shared, or silent. IRL ( I have never needed to use that abbreviation ever before! That made me grin!) I strongly dislike small talk.

I like being real. I can't tell you how that began, or why, but it is something that I am supremely comfortable with. I'm comfortable with that skin. I'm emotional. Intense. Deep. Analytical. Obsessive. Yip, that's me. Comfortable.

And here's the funny part. I'm comfortable with being real with the people I know. And I have sometimes even been real with people I don't know, or people I have only just met.

But writing this blog - I come unstuck. I come unstuck because I know some of you. Some of you well, some of you not so well. Some of you I don't know at all.

My hear is shrouded right now... I feel it atrophying at the edges. And the only way I know how to massage it is to write.

And my question is ...how much of my heart do I serve up to you in a post?

What will happen to my heart?

Should this blog continue to live?

... and yet something within me cries out for women to be real, for there to be a community that holds one another's hearts and loves and cares and cradles them...the whole Titus 2 bit. And sometimes it's safer online. It's safer than real life.

Do I shut this blog down and invite those of you who want to over to another?

Am I confusing journaling with blogging?

But honesty always COSTS. And I'm not sure I'm willing to pay right now.

Regal Royalty

Yip, I'm one of them. One of the nearly 2 billion people who watched the royal wedding (does than number include Internet watchers I wonder?). And I unashamedly loved it. LOVED Kate's little giggle after the balcony kiss. Loved that a commoner has married into the family. Loved that the world loves her. Loved that her parents have brought up two amazing level headed daughters.

I loved that 2 billion people all across the world were inspired by it - sure some folks were just watching it because everyone else was, but really - that number of people across the world are searching.

Desiring.

Hoping for something more in life.

That wedding, in all its forms, catches at our hearts, pulls at our dreams and calls us out.

It smacks of God.

And our cynical world laps it up.

Because he created us to love and be loved.

And funnily I'd just picked up "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge and "Do you think I'm beautiful?" by Angela Thomas, because I'm again, trying to figure out what it means to be a woman, and trying to understand...

And I'm reminded.

The question every boy grows up to ask as a man is "Have I got what it takes?" That's why men crave our respect, our belief.

And the question every little girl asks whilst growing up, and the one she continues to ask even as an adult is "Do you think I'm lovely?".

Not every woman wants a battle to fight, but every woman yearns to be fought for...She wants to be more than noticed - she wants to be wanted. She wants to be pursued.
Every woman also wants an adventure to share...A woman doesn't want to be the adventure; she wants to be caught up into something greater than herself....
Every woman wants to have a beauty to unveil. Not to conjure up, but to unveil. Most woman feel the pressure to be beautiful from very young, but that is not what I speak of. There is also a deep desire to simply and truly be the beauty, and be delighted in.

Food for thought huh?

Excerpts: One Thousand Gifts...

I have finally finished reading One Thousand Gifts, and wanted to share with you all these last few excerpts that have buried themselves in my heart.... (photos are Ann Voskamp's, from the book gallery)

• My mama, valley wise and grief traveled, she always said, 'Expectations kill relationships.' And I've known expectations as a disease, a silent killer heaping her burdens on the shoulders of a relationship until a soul bursts into a pulmonary and dies. 'Expectations kill relationships - especially with God. And that's what a child doesn't have: this whole edifice of expectation. Without expectations, what can topple the surprising wonder of the moment?

• ...I remember: Lament is a cry of belief in a good God, a God who has His ear to our hearts, a God who transfigures the ugly into beauty. Complaint is the bitter howl of unbelief in any benevolent God in this moment. a distrust in the love-beat of the Father's heart....

• ...In the moment of singing that one line, dedicating the work as thanks to Him, something - the miracle- happens, and every time. When service is unto people, the bones can grow weary, the frustration deep. Because, agrees Dorothy Sayers,  'whenver man is made the centre of things, he becomes the storm-centre of trouble. The moment you think of serving people, you begin to have the notion that other people owe you something for your pains...You will begin to bargain for reward, to angle for applause.'                          When the laundry is for the dozen arms of children or the dozen legs, it's true, I think I'm due some appreciation. So comes a storm of trouble and lightning strikes joy. But when Christ is at the center, when dishes, laundry, work is my song of thanks to Him, joy rains. Passionately serving Christ alone makes us the loving servant to all. When the eyes of the heart focus on God, and the hands on always washing feet of Jesus alone - the bones, they sing for joy and the work returns to it purest state: eucharisteo. The work becomes worship, a liturgy of thankfulness. 

• I walk in our back door to candlelight still flickering, hang the keys on the hook and look around  at the steep mountain of laundry there in the mudroom, the shoes scattered, a coat dropped. The mudroom sink is grime ringed. Fingerprints smear across the mirror. I laugh the happiest wonder. In the afternoon's drizzle, I give happy thanks for the daily mess with a smile a mile wide, because this is again my chance to whole heartedly serve God, to do full bodied eucharisteo with the hands and the heart and the lips. I can count each task a gift, pure Eucharisteo. Grace! This work - the thousand endless jobs - they each give the opportunity for one to become the gift, a thousand times over! Because with every one of the thousand, endless jobs - I become the gift to God and to others because this work is the public God serving, the daily liturgy of thanks, the completing of communion service with my service.

• the only thing to rip out the tape echoing self-rejection is the song of His serenade. One thousand gifts tuned me to the beat. It really is like C.S. Lewis argued: that the most  fundamental thing is not how we think of God but rather what God thinks of us: How God thinks of us is not only more important, but infinitely more important. Years of Christian discipleship, Bible study, churchgoing had been about me thinking about God; practicing Eucharisteo was the very first time I had really considered at length what God thought of me - this ridiculous and relentlessly pursuing love, so bold. Everywhere, everything. Love!

• God, He has blessed - caressed. I could bless God - caress with thanks. It's our making love... the intercourse of soul with God is the very climax of joy...we're called to do more than believe in God; we're called to live in God. To enter into Christ and Christ enter into us - to cohabit. Is this why it is His will for us to always give thanks in all things - the unbroken communion?

Food for thought huh?

An Eternal Perspective

Today, I happened to see my husband's boss - it was a quick, few seconds as we crossed paths in a place we usually never see each other. But God used those few moments to really challenge me... the journey Braveheart is on in the workplace, (and thus our family) has been rewarding, but is more often long, hard and frustrating. Together my husband, the creative genius and this man, the business titan, battle against financial difficulties,  personnel limitations, and entwined in all of that is their battle against Evil thwarting them (without wanting to get too super spiritual!).

But this man, let's call him Mr. P, keeps his head high. In the 10 years Braveheart has worked alongside him carrying this vision, Mr. P has maintained an 'eternal perspective' which has often made me curious. And today, God showed me the inner workings of that very idea. Our goal that we are working for - godly animated stories, live-action movies with substance and character - these very things might not be achieved in our lifetime. And neither may a lot of what we strive for.

The thing is - our lives truly are too short to carry our whole vision - and I'm not sure they are supposed to. God showed me today, that visions are supposed to span generations, they are supposed to be built on, generation after generation - that's the way his kingdom works. God blesses generation after generation that serve him, and he adds to our vision for each generation.

God drew it into perspective with my parenting and what I long for. I cannot hope to parent perfectly in my lifetime...BUT what I can do, by following God's leads, is to pass on something more for my kids to follow and live by...so that in generations to come, my family can arise and be called blessed.

food for thought huh?

Your To-Be List

I read this just tonight...and needed to. During these, oh-so-short holidays with all three children home with me, what is really important? May it speak to you too....

BE PRESENT: TEN YEARS FROM NOW, WHAT WILL HAVE MATTERED TO OUR CHILDREN?

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 26, 2011 AT 3:35PM

Ten years from now, it won't have mattered whether or not the sink was perfectly scrubbed.

Ten years from now it will have mattered that I stopped scrubbing the sink to listen to a problem they were having in school. 

Ten years from now, it won't have mattered that the plates were chipped or that the cups were not a matched set.

Ten years from now, it will have mattered that we sat down at the table together, said a blessing, and shared stories about what happened that day.

Ten years from now, it won't have mattered that their books were scattered everywhere.

Ten years from now, it will have mattered that they loved to read and did so in every corner of the house.

Ten years from now, it won't have mattered if they ran off to school with wrinkled shirts or grass stains on their pants.

Ten years from now, it will have mattered that they were always told, "I love you. Have a great day!" as they dashed out the door - wrinkles, grass stains, and all.

Ten years from now, it won't have mattered that their beds were made haphazardly; that there were lumps under the covers and pillows left on the floor.

Ten years from now, it will have mattered that I leaned over their rumpled beds, kissed them goodnight and assured them that even as they slept, they were loved.

Ten years from now . . .

Ten years from now it won't have mattered that the couch was threadbare.

Ten years from now, it will have mattered that we sat on that couch and laughed until we cried – and that on that very same couch, I held them when they cried genuine tears of sadness.

Ten years from now, it won't have mattered if there were muddy footprints tracked through the house.

Ten years from now, it will have mattered that they ran with abandon, filled their lungs with fresh air, and connected with the wonder of nature.

Ten years from now, it won’t have mattered if I won every argument.

Ten years from now, it will have mattered that I lived my values.

Ten years from now, it won't have mattered that they didn't get everything they wanted.

Ten years from now, it will have mattered that their deepest needs were met.

Ten years from now, it won't have mattered that I wasn't a perfect parent.

Ten years from now, it will have mattered – and mattered deeply – that I was a present parent.

So today and every day, may I live in the moment with my children, with my eyes to their future. 

And let me offer my children the gift of what will have mattered in ten years.

- by Lauren Rosenfeld, M.A., M.Ed., Author of Your To Be List

Raw Relief

A short, sharp season of being visited by family is over.

And I breath a sigh of relief....

And yet I am left feeling raw.

How is it possible that flesh of my flesh and blood of my blood can leave me feeling so undone?

How is it possible that the woman who gave birth to me can seem to dislike me so much

...and that conversely I can have so little grace for her?

This relationship - this mother daughter bond - is supposed to be something so much more.

Something sacred.

Somthing intimate.

Something safe.

What is it about this world, that some have this remarkable relationship intact?

And that for some, all too often, this relationship is the one that has fractured?

God, give me your grace for Belle. Do something NEW in me.

Fear...

Over the last few days I have been so conscious of being crippled and paralyzed by fear....

Fear does that to all of us.

It inhibits us from being ALL that we were called to be.

It strips us of our true identity...

And leaves us quaking in the wings of life.

I know this, because I'm living it.

And so I asked God - what is it about this Fear? From where does it stem?

And for me, the fear that leaves me breathless, strangled for air and all panicky, comes from comparing my self to others. All my fear comes from looking at who others are, what they do, how they live...and then feeling that I don't have it all/do it all etc.

There's a reason God originally gave a command imploring us not to covet...not to look at what our neigbour has and want tit too, (and I take the liberty for that to mean more than just material things).

And this fear prevents me from hearing the truth my friends are speaking, and in part I recognize them bringing me words straight from the throne. Truth that offers me life and hope. Friends, if there's one thing we do as parents, let it be that we train our children even now, to be able to hear and listen to the truth, and put away this fear. Learning it at 30+ is just hard work!

And the other things I fear? The completely irrational daydreams I have that involve things like "What if's" etc...that unfounded fear is a result of letting my thoughts wander around unchecked.

So the answer? I'm not entirely sure. But I am greatly encouraged by this:

⁷For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. (2Ti 1:17, Amplified)

Food for thought huh?

A quiet oasis

In the last few days I have stumbled across a rare gem.

 And I share it here, in the hopes that you will travel over, stay a while, and catch something beautiful that will refresh you.






And these two posts....they speak VOLUMES...
on joyful mothering,
and on homeschooling.

Hurry is the death of prayer - Samuel Chadwick

Being Kneaded

My heart has stilled over the last few days.

And I have been tenderly kneaded by my Maker.

I have been made to pause, to see things anew, afresh.

And my heart has leapt. This feeling of him kneading me, molding and shaping and changing me..

....sends tingles down my spine.

It makes me sprout tears. And gut wrenching sobs.

It challenges me to be all that I can be. All that he's made me to be. Simply by letting him do the work.

He has stopped me. Held me. Lovingly shown me that there is actually a different way of living. A life of grace so much deeper than anything I am used to.

A life that measures my children as immeasurable gifts.
A life where joy is important, and sadly too far forgotten in my life.
A life where delight carries weight.
A life where hurry plays no part.

My heart has found its way to a quiet oasis.

And I am inspired.

Homeschool - Truth or Dare?

It is 6am on a Saturday morning, and I am not in bed, and I am not on the road, but sitting on my new couch (yipee!) writing.

I am not in bed because some strange voice over the wall woke me up - just weird. And sometimes, when I'm awake, I'm awake. No going back to sleep for me.

I am not on the road as Braveheart desperately wanted a sleep in, and my foot problem has taken a few steps back. Cutting the shoes did nothing. The pain has diminished on the balls of my feet, but those inserts made the rest of the shoe too small which caused the sides of my feet to be in agony! However, I am now the very VERY grateful owner of a pair of Body Geometry cycling shoes, and again, have met an amazing cycling shoe specialist. I am eagerly yet nervously anticipating a ride, as this investment had better work....

These weeks are passing in a blur and it's just no good blogging in my head (thanks M for my nudge :)).

Homeschool. This journey we have embarked on is going to change me more than anything else, I suspect. So far, I have realized that it is time to re-prioritize things. For example, being the task focused, product vs process, achievement orientated person I am, I am realizing that all of that must come second to my relationship with my children. Inverting that order almost seems unnatural to me, but it is the path of life. It is more important to honor, respect and develop a relationship with each of my children than it is for me to get somewhere on time, or be able to tick off all that we have done in a day.

Secondly, my teaching background is not necessarily an advantage. It is TOO easy for me to recreate school at home, and forget that homeschooling is more about the HOME in schooling. So it's just as important for King Arthur to bake with me, or be exposed to the drudgery of chores or the monotony of errands as it is for him to do seat work, etc. I need to relax a lot more, and allow for inspiration to over take me. Being handed a curriculum that is spelled out for me, rather than a framework where I have to make individual lessons also means I can be lazy, and see Sonlight's way of doing it as something to achieve, rather than allow my natural bent to take over. I've just started tutoring again (?!), and find myself able to make those lessons inspiring and creative, whereas King Arthur's are pretty mundane. I'm learning to see his education as something fluid, not set in stone.

I am spread thin. Getting Aragorn and Belle to school is the most stressful part of my day. The round trip takes me about 45 minutes, and then within about 3 hours I do it all again! And there are two things at work here:

• I feel the pressure to get King Arthur's work done when they are at school so that I can enjoy Aragorn and Belle when they return from school
• I have seen that I do not yet posses enough grace to have them at home with me. They've been sick this past week, and trying to do school with them at home is just ... frankly impossible. I know it was the exception and they were sick, and I am in sure in normal circumstances I would find a rhythm, I am sure I would learn, but right now, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God knew what he was doing - he's easing me into it, one child at a time!

OK. So that's me. Now onto King Arthur. He is doing so well, and is somewhat so content ( I say that because there are some grumbles about it being boring, or about having to do the same things every day (red flag to self - change something!!!!! Spice things up a bit!). Not once has he mentioned friends, or missing them, or wanting to be at school. Sure, I've organised a few play dates, and we have co-op, but he is happy. I can see him just soaking up all this time that he has with me.

reading to his brother and sister
(on the OLD couch!!!!!)

doing maths whilst baking
feel-good muffins

Singapore maths blocks

Ancient Egypt - lego pyramids and
Egyptian collars

Measuring weights on a homemade scale

Sonlight is delivering every one of its promises. He loves listening to the stories, and there are certain aspects (the doing parts) he loves more than others. His boredom with some of the phonics and Maths was because it was just too basic for him, so in his reading program I have jumped him ahead 10 weeks. The beauty of homeschooling - a tailor made education! I've yet to figure out exactly where to peg him in Maths without missing any foundational concepts, but again - such freedom. Were he in school, he would be so bored waiting for the rest of the children to catch up.

A friend calls them "A-ha" moments, and I love getting to be alongside him whilst he learns, watching that proverbial light bulb go on. I am enjoying my learning moments too, although they are a lot more challenging than I thought they would be!

Kids are awake - enjoy the weekend all!

On the road again....

Today was the first time in about two weeks I managed to get on the road again - and it felt good. Amazing isn't it, that when something we so take for granted is taken away from us we start to really appreciate it. Having this foot problem made me realize how crippling it must be to lose the ability to be mobile (pun intended).

The seemingly innocent inserts worked wonders - no pain in the ball of my feet, but it has compressed my feet at the top, so I'll need to cut my shoes. Small price to pay to reach my goal...34 days till race day.....

Sole Solution

 I love my new podiatrists. Seriously. He is my new best friend - okay, well not quite. But the man I saw (Chris Delpierre at the sports Science Institute) is a legend.

Turns out, in laymans terms, that the fibrous fatty pad that sits over the bones on the balls of one's feet, has in my case moved. Yup. No padding left, just bare bones.

So he's designing these special false pads to go into my shoes, and we're hoping that my feet will be fooled...

Loving the knowledge of what is actually wrong...and looking forward to a pain free ride this weekend!

The Answer is Blowing in the Wind....

I love that song. It's so eerie and sweet and innocent.

In a recent marriage course we have been hosting, God brought me to a standstill.

It came about as the women in the group couldn't understand how the men in the group wouldn't read any books on marriage, or parenting, or personalities etc. And for the women, this seemed the most natural response to 'problems' :- find out from someone who has walked the road before, learn from their mistakes, learn what works and then do it ourselves.

This flummoxed the men. Their response went something along the lines of :- Why learn from someone else? They're not me, they're not like me, they don't know my circumstances. And their overriding response was "I can do this (with God) alone".

Fascinating. All the women I know read endless books on parenting, on marriage, on relationships - self-help books or teaching books, however you want to label them. Men? Largely just not interested. Willing to go it on their own and to learn, in my eyes, the hard way. Fascinating! (The more I learn about how different God created us the more so many things make sense!)

The part that turned me into a statue though, was when one of the men asked me how many books on parenting I'd read. My answer? Many. Then he asked me what kind of parent I was. Naturally I said a perfect one (ahem this was said with much jest!)...

Then WHAM! It struck me. I have been searching for answers for years. I borrow/buy endless parenting books looking for solutions, looking for answers, but friends, although I may find them I quickly forget them. I have been unable to see that THE ANSWER is right in front of me, in Christ. If I seek him, and him alone, I am convinced I shall find what I am looking for. After all, sin't he the one that gave me these 3 particular children to bring up?

A friend sent me this later, and again, just fascinating....

Men don’t change easily.  Men don’t like to change; and because men are actually programmed not to change, but to solidify their opinions and their identities, it often leads to men killing others in one form or another.  In fact, men are rewarded, admired, and elected for not changing! Unfortunately, this feels like most of human history.  Stalin said, “One death is a tragedy.  But when 150,000 people die, it’s a ‘statistic.’”  Too often, we men are able to live in this detached world of statistics instead of inside of our own sacred humanity.  No wonder Jesus’ first preached word was “change” !

In the wars of the 20th century, most countries involved claimed to be Christian—filled with people who claimed to base their lives on Jesus and his teachings.  This is what happens when religion does not really change people, but is just the group to which you happen to belong.

http://cacradicalgrace.org/

Food for thought huh?

Month End Musings

I've started this post a number of times now, and keep deleting it. The problem? I write endless posts in my head, days pass, and then by the time my fingers start tapping at this keyboard the inspiration behind those posts has dulled, and I'm left not really knowing how to connect with my writing spirit again!

Solution? Make a more pointed habit of writing when I feel prompted too.

So this post is an accumulation of many things, or if you will, a rambling of nothings ....

1. Homeschooling has got off to a flying start. I recognize the mistakes I made that first week: trying to cover too much. There's a reason they (Sonlight) give you an Instructor's Guide, and there's a reason they tell you to read x number of pages a day- because they have tried it, tested it, and found what works! So King Arthur and I are settling into a rhythm, and he's soaking up everything I send his way. I still need to overcome my uncertainty about his pace, but that too will come.
2. I've joined a wonderful co-op (basically a playgroup for want of a better description), that meets once a week at a different person's house to socialize/do activities with the kids. I am looking forward to getting to know these women more, and for our children to develop friendships.
3. Braveheart and I managed to get away this last weekend, and it was good for my soul, although our expectations weren't quite met by the place we stayed at. We've learnt a lot about the type of people we are - when it's just the two of us away for a special weekend, we like to be spoilt quite frankly! Not excessively, but just not mismatched furniture and smelly sheets!
4. God used the time away to speak to me about my tone (again) with the kids, and to remind me that although it wasn't modeled to me, a mother is called to be a nurturer. And I look forward to him making me softer towards them...
5. I have a serious foot problem, to the extent that my feet were excruciatingly sore in a spinning class last week and I thought I might throw up. It feels like I am walking on my bare bones. And when I ride on the road, I can feel every stone I ride over through my cleats...truly. I have since chatted to a physio friend, worn my trainers incessantly which has dulled the pain, and am seeing a podiatrist this week at the Sports Science Institute. I suspect (and hope) the culprits are my riding shoes and nothing more serious. Days are moving swiftly towards March 13th people. SWIFTLY. 
6. My breakfast eating plan went well this month, with very little grumbling I am pleased to report. So now I'm wondering what to add on for February - should it be veggies (we eat salad with every evening meal, but very little veggies) or combining food well? Time to commit methinks.
7. And I may be tutoring some Shakespeare this year - woohooo!!!! Bring it on!

And  now my heart is feeling prompted with weightier things to write, so I shall end off this drivel and draft some posts to follow.

Finding our Feet

This week has begun well. Aragorn began his adventure of the year this morning, and seems to be confidently ready for the newness of his school....

his initial pose

coaxing a smile out of him

King Arthur and I are figuring out what works, when to do it all, how to do it, and that overwhelming feeling from last week is firmly in check. I am confident that in a few months I will look back and laugh at this period, but for now, I am allowing myself to figure it out slowly! There are pockets of time I need to use wisely...

I must say that already I can see the power behind homeschooling: the endless time I now have with King Arthur. By that I mean the opportunity I have to speak into his life and to teach him  little nuggets of truth - time I would be hard pressed to find if he wasn't at home with me, (although I have no doubt that these moments can be made with effort if mainstreamed schooling is a choice).

And I will say this - although I found last week somewhat stressful trying to teach and have my little ones around, I also saw how powerful that time can be. There are endless opportunities to teach them to get on with one another, to share, to love, to honor each other. There are endless opportunities where I could see that my heart needed to change, times I saw how supremely selfish I was being, and how much I need Christ....but, on the other hand, it si so peaceful just having one child at home to teach!

Just an interesting observation for me who has one foot on either side of the fence!

Tomorrow's the Day!

This is the conversation I overheard as I walked down the passage tonight as the boys were settling in their beds.

King Arthur: I'm so excited. Tomorrow is my special day!
Aragorn: Why? Is it because of homeschooling?
KA: Yes. I can't wait. I'm so excited I'm going to do homeschooling as soon as I wake up.
A: Oh. (clearly a bit puzzled by his brother's enthusiasm)
KA: EC (a friend of his) has already started school, and I've had to wait. But tomorrow's the day! I don't think I can sleep...

And then the conversation degenerated! But I cannot tell you what a gift overhearing that conversation was to me, just to know how much enthusiasm is in my little boy's heart. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have made the right choice for him.

The beginning of this journey has been interesting for me. Last week I was convinced that my children would all start school tomorrow, the 19th of January. But on Monday, I made some calls and realised that Belle only starts on Thursday, and Aragorn next week Monday (24th)! And this after I'd been counting down the days with King Arthur in "sleeps to go".  I knew I could not deny him another few days, it would break him. His natural curiosity is full blown and he is more than ready to actually LEARN something. Madly i had to re-shuffle my expectations of the week, and the way in which I had envisaged starting teaching him.

But true to form, whilst spinning this evening God spoke: I really believe this is the best way forward now, because I see that this staggered start is great - each of them gets a special day to start their journeys this year - and we will pray and bless them on their INDIVIDUAL respective mornings. And Elijah gets to start this journey with his siblings around so that he doesn't notice the huge shift to having no class mates. Each way I look at it, I see His hand and this is perfect.

And I'm choosing to see me not being as prepared as I wanted to as part of his Hand in this as well - I need to relax!!!

A Magnificent Morning

I went for a 80km ride this morning, alongside PPA's Cape Cobra race, and it was so good to be on the road again, but tough! It was a beautiful morning, no breeze to begin with, crystal clear air, stunning scenery, some baboons and a dead porcupine (who would have thought you could see such 'wildlife' on a Cape Town ride!).

I've just finished reading a guide to the Tour de France and one of the authors commented that before you can see or hear the peloton, you can often smell them. I tested that theory today - and it's true. They smell, these men who race past me averaging 35 - 40km/hr!! It was refreshing every now and again to catch a whiff of deodorant!

I know some of you have entered the Argus for the first time this year, and some of you further afield are riding races mid year, so want a female cycling tip? Put a few drops of Arnica massage oil in the seat of your riding shorts and you will not suffer. Trust me - today I forgot, and 80km is a loooong way!

As I was cycling today, I rode past Ocean View and Masiphumele (a colored and black township respectively). And as I strained up a hill, there were four colored kids sitting on a rock, watching the action. And my heart sank. There were no adults in sight, and these kids were young - probably all about Aragorn and Belle's age (4 and 2). God used this brief  moment to challenge me for the rest of my ride....

 We are so very privileged in ways we aren't even aware of. I know a couple of ladies from Ocean View and the one repetitive comment they make to me is how differently white and colored people parent. It's all about life skills isn't it? The majority of these families are trapped in cycles of violence and abuse. Parenting is about what is modeled to us, what we see from our parents and what we pick up along the way.  No one I know would let their young kids sit on the side of a major road at 0700 in the morning, unsupervised. But for these kids? It's a way of life. And it struck me that all of this also tracks back to the destruction of community - we should be able to learn each other's strengths - but because of Africa''s history, and more specifically South Africa's, it's all been lost.

And God spoke to me about what I write about working mothers - what choice do many of these township women have? I mean really? Some mothers have to work because their money is squandered before it even reaches the grocery cupboards. Others may work to escape oppressive home situations.

I do believe parenting is on God's heart. I do believe the world is intent on brow beating women into believing motherhood has no worth. I believe it is a forgotten calling in today's world, tossed to the side in exchange for luxuries...but there is also a sad reality in poor communities. I'm not sure my stance has necessarily changed for us privileged folk, but I also felt God nudging my heart - who am I to judge? There is an accountability to God - not me.

But, I will continue to encourage and exhort mothers - because it really is beyond this world, it is the most important, this job we are doing.

Food for thought huh?

Diet Deviations

I am still profoundly impacted by what happens to us when we become parents - the choices we make; how much we change; how much we are willing to change in order to create the best possible environments for our children. Each day, endless choices present themselves to us.

For some of us, we make the choice to drive in traffic two hours each day to take our children to what we believe to be the best possible schools; for some, it's the choice to sacrificing a part of ourselves to teach our children at home; for some, it's the choice to change our diet drastically to give our children the best possible odds in coping with life. And I'm amazed at the unselfishness of it all. As parents, we give up independence, we give up selfishness, without us really even realizing it.

To those of you making these sacrifices, however big or small, know that I salute you.

I applaud you.

Sizzling Summer

Temperatures in the Western Cape are estimated to hit 45 C today - can you believe it?! I am in NO way complaining, but sure would like a pool! However, in the early and late parts of the day, we can be found at the beach - am loving this one in particular this season - no crowds, and a wonderful lagoon. Normally it's icy waters deter us, but even I swam today!

New Year's Day - late afternoon

having such fun!

munchies

chilly!

wonderful boy

Today, morning time, cousins

Yearnings for the Year

So...the new year has begun, and is well on its way. And today is the first time in weeks that I am stopping. Just grinding to a halt. We've been so busy the last few weeks, out every day, doing little things - whether it be people, outings or errands. And with Braveheart going back to work, it's an opportunity just to STOP. And BE. And so we are.

As I write this the kids are eating sweets - yes, it's true. At this point I am keen to get the Christmas sweets over and done with! I love the peace and the calm that is emanating from my home today (somewhat intermittently I might add, there are still the odd squabbles, but I mean overall!). I love having my kids around me, and having time to be and speak into their lives without having to 'do' anything. I have to make a conscious effort not to create things for them to do today - it does not come naturally to me...

2011. Another year. Another start.

Me? These are some of my yearnings for the year: (Some semantics - I dislike "resolutions"...that implies something I have to work at to change..."yearnings", well that implies a desire, a longing, something God and I can do together - in his time, with his prompting....)

I long to sort out my food dilemma. I'll digress to bring you up to speed. I have come to loathe food - not when it is served to me, or made by someone else, but when I have to prepare it - cook it, make it..anything with food that requires my involvement leaves me sighing deeply. If I'm really honest, I think it comes down to pure laziness (oh the effort) and selfishness (I love being served, but not necessarily serving). And here's the rub - an a mother, and a wife, those really are two qualities that are not synonymous with those callings. If I want to have a home that is warm and  happy something has to give!

So to this end I have made a few adjustments again. I have created a breakfast, lunch and diner plan. This has streamlined  my shopping, and helps me mentally get a handle on what is required.  And as I do the shopping and the meal planning I am the only one really responsible for what my family eats - and I long to incorporate more of what I believe constitutes healthy eating, and to eat the way I want to - which largely falls by the wayside as to cook two meals etc just isn't cutting it for me. I also loathe budgeting and making money stretch....something I need to master. Any tips anyone? :)

But here's the thing. We've talked about it as a family, and I'm impressed with my kids - they're on board. I've cut out sugar cereals (thanks for the idea Nikki)  except for one day a week, and they have to eat some things they don't like. And when I sit down with a bowl of fruit, or some salad, they inevitably want what I am eating. Kids will follow our example, pure and simple - so the question is, what kinds of example are we setting them?      

I yearn for family time. Now we spend a lot of time as a family, but I still yearn for more. It's a priority for me.  More memories. A deeper sense of family, and what it means to be parents and be speaking into our lives. And to this end, again, it falls on me - it's my bent. I have blocked out the year, looked at all the public holidays and have an idea of when we'd like to try and get away again as a family. Now I need to find affordable options. I even feel that my time cycling is drawing to a close - as the Argus draws closer, it's going to require 3-4 solid rides of training a week, each 3-5 hours, and that's just such a huge chunk of time over the next two months. Time I'm not really that willing to hand over any more. I'm curious as to what will replace it though...interesting huh?

I long to see my children thrive in their new seasons this year. King Arthur will be at home with me, Aragorn for the first time will start a school on his own, not under King Arthur's shadow, and I really sense he will become his own person. And Belle also starts a little school. Now whilst I want them all home with me, I also know that this is right for each of them. Aragorn caves in to King Arthur too often. I sense God will use this to build him into his own confident self. And Belle will be able to be whoever she really is! And King Arthur will soak up this one on one time. This is also a new season for me - homeschooling. The teacher in me has unpacked all the stuff, put it on the shelves, filed it...and I have the same butterflies in my stomach I had when I taught for the first time! I'm determined to embrace this in a relaxed way - watch this space!

And being a wife. This kind of dove tails into the others. I want to focus more than anything on being the wife I've always wanted to be. A wife that sometimes makes her husband's favorite meal for dinner instead of always making the kids favorite ones, or feeding him the quickest easiest meal (like scrambled eggs!). I want to pack his lunch with as much effort as I do the kids - thinking about the nature of his day and whether it involves touch rugby, or gym etc. I want to think of creative ways to spend time with him, with and without the kids, not always putting the kids first.....all these things, that seemed so natural pre-kids, so natural when we were dating...are so foreign to me now.

I have some steep learning curves ahead of me!