The Dragon (Lady)

... needs to be slain. Over the last few days it really feels like I've turned into a dragon towards my kids by the end of the day. Somedays, I swear that by the time Braveheart gets home I'm almost breathing fire, and smoke is coming out of my ears!

The heart of it? My inability to keep my emotions in check when confronted with whining/tell tales/ childish reasoning and emotions. (Sometimes my emotions seem like the childish ones! They're children after all....I'm the adult!). And so I snarl. And hiss. And snap.

I'm recognizing more and more that it's not so much the words that we speak but the way in which we speak them that matter....and too often I forget that in the thick of things. Braveheart has the most amazing nack of seemingly always speaking with grace and love, and perhaps because he isn't at home all day he has a better ability to sustain it until the kids go to sleep. Even when he is correcting and reprimanding, he does it so that they know they are loved no matter what's going on at that moment. He constantly teaches me. ( I can often be heard asking – well what would you have said? And there's no answer there. It's a heart issue.

But there's a danger there too. A danger of him becoming the nurturer not me. Because when I lose it, or when I get angry, I withdraw - it's what was modelled to me growing up.

I was reminded today whilst skimming through my teenage diaries (so feel like spring cleaning!) how important it is to set up a home where children always feel safe, where they truly believe from an early age that you're there for them. You're on their side NO MATTER WHAT. And that starts NOW. It's too late if we wait till they're teenagers.

I need to slay this dragon. Or rather, I need Christ to arrive on a silver white horse of love and pierce my heart.

Oh boy!